I feel tired.

I feel sad.

I feel as if all my self-confindence is gone.

in short, I feel depressed.

this afternoon, before we left ttsh, Da Ge(chinaman 2) told me that I should try to try to do more other types of X-rays and not try to avoid it. This i agree as i see teresa and yvonne doing other types of x-rays besides the upper extremity and chest x-rays that we are supposed to do. Not that i didn't do any. I did but sometimes when we all three decided to do together, teresa tends to get the upper hand of everything and i felt that i'm sort of pushed away. I don't really mind because i can observe her but... anyway, on the other hand, i was also quite hesitant to do as i wasn't quite sure and that i felt really bad that i keep having the other radiographers to check and it's like I'm slowing them or something since it's outpatient and it's always very busy. those who had came here, you know right...

i wasn't very upset that Da Ge told me this actually and was in fact thinking of how to get over being hesitant during the bus ride home.

then when i reached home, my second brother sort of picked on me, saying that i have no initiative to inform the family whether I'm coming home for dinner and stuff (after attachment activity) that my mom had to call from work to find out and stuff...and he said that i should have more initiative and think about the others... and this lead me to think about what Da Ge said.

I think that i should have more initiative in wanting to do the x-rays and stuff at OP and not avoid them.

Then things got worse when my music teacher called and told me i got accepted to audition for a music scholarship for violin. I don't really understand why at first but when i heard the news, i choked and cried. I just started crying.

and then it hit me.

i was really stressed out.

i wasn't willing to do the x-rays because i felt that i wasn't good enough even though Da Ge and the other radiograhers at OP had taught us the techniques and that i disn't want to disappoint myself.

i had no confidence in myself. not here. and it sucks. it felt like i'm weak, not brave and that i shouldn't even try to become a radiographer. i hated myself.

i cried when my teacher told me the news because i felt that if i couldn't even be brave enough to try, how could i get the scholarship? at that point of time, i really felt that i was useless and demoralized. in short, i have no future.

and then...

suddenly, i felt really tired and depressed.

and that maybe i should give up being a radiographer and forget about everything that i had learnt.

it felt like i was in the lowest pit in my short life and that i would never amount to anything. not even a Ka-pesh.

however, the funny thing was, even though i was and still quite depressed about this, i sort of fell much better and know that i have to get out of this pit and get out of the being scared about being disappointed and having no confidence zone. yes, this will be a phase of my life and i will get out of it. i will become more confident in myself and have to let go of the fear of being disappointed.

by the time, my mom got home, i was sort of feeling a little better about myself.

however, during dinner( we went to themarket to eat again), my mom asked me about the attachment in TTSH and was telling me about the radiograhers in SGH. i was there, wow! she sure knows a lot about this line of job.

then, i realised...she wanted me to instantly get a job after graduating as she implied that in this line, there'll sure to have a vacancy. man, at that point, i really felt stressed up and as if what i was going through and was trying to get myself out wasn't enough. i felt that i was falling from where i had climbed to just before. i was back at square one.

so i excused myself after dinner and went for a walk. i thought about many stuff...like how stressed out i was during secondary school because my brother is a genius and that i must keep up with him by trying to get the best grades i could so that i wouldn't disapoint me parents and myself...like how spread out i felt during jc, having to study for my violin, japanese and school all at the same time...i remembered there was a period of time, i had refused to perform or had chose to performed last because i didn't felt good about myself and didn't trust my fingers to get every note perfect. and that during all these times, i was really tired...i know i had pushed myself really hard then and i had recently learnt to slow down. however, i fear it is not really

suitable for me. i mean i can feel the need to work harder and not to be so slack...but getting back is also really kind of hard. i don't seem to have enough time for everything now no matter how well i manage my time. there is a endless list of things i would like to do but just can't finish. not on time but as fast as i would like it.

it may be being kiasu to you but i really fell that it would help me to get back on track by being a little more worried and less care-free...

and i really hated it when people like teresa exist.

she may seem like she is slack but she isn't. if you have seen her in the attachment, you will know why. on the first day, whenever she wanted to see the radiograhers doing the x-rays, she just stand there and don't move, blocking me. i had to go around her to get near to see. it's always like that. i hate it now that i think about it.

plus, i thought that there was this unspoken rule thing among me, her and yvonne. like everyone take turns in doing their competency. like i did one, and if she did one, then the next goes to yvonne like that. but no! today, when she saw the form asking for a humerus x-ray, she quickly grabbed and insited that she wants to do it. okay, fine by me. then a few forms behind, there was one asking for an elbow. well, i did that already and so did yvonne and so she did it as well. i thought maybe i could do the humerus while she did the elbow because of the rule thingy but she keep grabbing the form and insisting in doing it. so that was it. well, i'm a little unhappy but is sort of used to her getting her way but yvonne wasn't and she wasn't happy about it too... and in the end, both of us weren't quite happy with her...and bitched to desmond, shalini and cynthia when they came to pick us up for tea break. and everyone was not very happy when she finally joined us (she was doing another x-ray) and rubbed it in about the humerus (she saud, when i was doin competency for humerus) in front of everyone. me and yvonne about the incident and the others about the number of competencies she had completed. so everyone was like you know trying to change the subject but she was kinda thick-headed or what i don't know because she wasn't giving a response or didn't bothered giving one.

anyway, i feel much better now and is on my way climbing out of the pit i had unconsciously dug myself into. and i will be strong, brave and move on!

i know today's entry is very "heavy" and stern but there were many wonderful and fun stuff today at OP. like uncle than told yvonne that Zhou Li(chinaman 1) is MR TTSH as in beauty pagent Mr. TTSH. which was fun to hear since Da Ge was teasing him about it, calling him Men Nan. and that everyone was teasing yvonne as usual even though i was also teased but it was in the morning before break. i weren't teased much after break and lunch. except that Zhou Li asked me whether i want to go for the bone extension op to grow taller. yes, yes i'm short.

then yvonne knocked her head against the x-ray tube while shifting it but not without passing me some of that clumsiness simce i accidentally knocked my head at the x-ray tube, got knocked again by Da Ge's head when we pushed down the leg support on the wheelchair for a patient and banged my abdomen area with the door handle and got stamped that i'm not pregnant on the hand by Da Ge, avoided being stamped on the forehead ( a ridiculous and funny idea suggested by Zhou Li). well, yvonne was still very funny as usual and get teased a lot and we kept laughing to the extend that Da Ge asked which one ate too little and which ate too much since we weren't very sane. and yes, this is pretty much a typical day for the past 5 days for us at OP. unfortunately, it isn't for the others at in patient, TBC, DE. too bad it has ended bu i will keep visiting OP because unlce than promised me to call me when there is a humerus case or hand case. haha...i booked liao. hopefully, this really happens so i don't have to go CGH and do because the seniors said, in CGH, it's kinda hard to get competency. And this way, i get get out of Ip for a while since it's pretty boring over there with little and much more in pain patients.

hope u didn't go blind reading this.